I’ve read your article and it’s very interesting, but I have a few question.

I am a pretty introverted person so I have a hard time expressing my genuine self around people and I often blank and have absolutely nothing to say, even around my closest friends. What is an example of a conversation starter that doesn’t seem so desperate like “how was your weekend”, and that could lead to a good conversation filled with personal experiences and interesting stories?

How can I improve my social skills (especially small talk) in order to meet new people?

Thank you!

And small talk with the right person can become very interesting, while at the same time having boring conversations can be a drain, and it’s no fun in all honesty. However, people do need to work on all areas of conversation, but especially storytelling since it’s pretty much the fundamental communication method of our society. We need to be a society of great storytellers again.

This is sorta of like living by society and living by how society dictates you shouldn’t it be the other way around, be an individualists and do whatever you want, and say whatever you feel like saying. I don’t think your article was wrong or bad or giving people bad advice because i think there are people who can use this and it will help them in their overall lifestyle

and as for the communicating to someone better to people i think this can be a way to get to know people and then show them who you really are so i agree with you

c i just want to say one thing I have a real example of a a couple of friends of mine. SO there is this person a man who is witty smart funny good timing basically the epitamy of what you described, he has self confidence, and there is this other guy who is funny but in his own way he a little shy, honest with people, doesn’t communicate well, you get the picture… They both have there good qualities and bad and they both like the same girl…now the girl is extremely truthful,, who do you think she would like?

Interesting analysis, but I have two points:

1) Conversation, at least not always, is not about the exchange of information.

Communicating information is just a partial reason. More importantly, I’d say people have conversations to connect with other people. This is what I meant by “presentation over ideas”. People don’t really care about what you say, they care about you. They want to connect with a person, not with ideas.

Storytelling, is one way to improve the art of saying what isn’t said. I don’t suggest that you rely on scripts of stories. However, practicing your ability to tell stories helps you find what is most important to people, especially in a casual setting.

2) Socializing is like dancing.

Conversation is like dancing, there are people better at it than others. Ultimately, the people who dance with their own style and freely are going to do better than the people worried about how they dance. But practicing certain established dances will improve your natural dancing ability.

If you’re completely left-footed when it comes to conversation, sometimes it helps to go through the mechanics of what goes into a conversation. But, like a dance, only you can give it life and personality.

-Scott

I appreciate your analysis, Scott, but I generally disagree with your insistence that “conversation” is about delivery, rather than informational or empathic exchange.

Sounds to me more like you are describing how to entertain an audience in a captivating one-way performance, rather than actually facilitate a two (or more) way conversational exchange of ideas. I didn’t read much mention of why other people are necessary.

If you’ve ever spent a sober night among drinking friends, I’m sure you can appreciate the difference. Little is as intolerable as someone who attempts – and systematically fails – at your rules above, with the insistent conviction that everything they say is absolutely fascinating to everyone.

Maybe you’re right, and most people really do just usually want to emote and feel good together… There’s definitely skill in facilitating that, and being “likable” in general… But let’s not confuse it for “conversing”.

I can’t help but feel you are courting delusion a bit here with the rationalization that people judge you by how you speak, not by what you say… This may be most true during a first encounter, but beyond that, if you don’t have something to offer besides a slick smile and some stock stories, those new friends won’t stick around very long.

How many times have you met someone who appeared to be very interesting and charming in the first few moments of your encounter, only to realize seconds or minutes later than they’ve told this same story 100 times? It’s vaguely insulting to realize they are treating you exactly like every other person they’ve tried the line on, and a probable sign that this person is not willing or doesn’t actually know how to empathetically connect. I appreciate the effort, but you’ll get much further by simply having the courage and self-confidence to be yourself, listen carefully, and respond genuinely with something of what you really feel. Not *everything* – “tact” is certainly another skill – but I am convinced measured honesty will get you miles ahead of the guy who appears to have his audience in stitches. People leave the party saying, “Ya, that guy was funny…”, but it’s YOU they phone to get to know more, because you had something honest to say about them. Test it and see if I’m right on that.

If you really want to learn how to talk to people, you must put yourself in situations where you have to. It’s a delicate dance of give and take that can’t be captured in words. Like learning an instrument, it’s just about practice, practice, practice.

I appreciate your systematic breakdown, but it reminds me a little of the many “seduction” schools of thought that have been popularized recently – Interesting as a psychological study, but potentially dangerous to your integrity in practice… Beware the entrapment of your own ego when playing that game…

In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey highlights the difference between “Personality” versus “Character” ethics. He criticized “personality ethic” as falling victim to the gimmicky sort of sales techniques that often dominate in seedy business success seminars. They are effective in the short term because anyone can learn them, and they do work – in the short term.

I recommend playing a long-term game with everyone you meet. It’s really only your personal integrity and character that can carry that relationship past that first superficial step. Leaving a great impression, magnetizing people, and form friends works at first… But trying to get ahead in the first five minutes for short term approval could cost you a lifelong relationship.

Real communication is about empathy, and the exchange of ideas. That requires a lot of patience, humility, insight, and a genuine interest in others. Framing your context to make it interesting is always important, but you shouldn’t need to seduce others as your audience just to get yourself heard. You basically get what you give – if you’re really having a conversation, there is no need – only that joy of sharing something that makes us uniquely human.