I grew up a shy, fat, lonely kid, and starting at about the age of 19, I developed a pretty problematic case of social anxiety disorder. I’m now 37, and to make a long story short, the last 18 years of my life have been, how should I say, less than fulfilling. I’ve had major issues with depression, loneliness, and overwhelming feelings of personal inadequacy. Currently, I’m a fairly sociable person who can generally “get by” in most social situations. The average Joe/Jane on the street probably would never suspect that I struggle with so many issues. Due to my problems with social anxiety/self-esteem, I basically put college off for many years, going for a few semesters, missing several semesters, going back, etc. I am now back in school (CSULB) attempting to finish a degree that I started many many years ago. I get sad when I see 19,20,21 year olds around me doing things that I was not even close to being able to do because of my social struggles. It was like I was on a different planet, stuck in a cell with my own insecurities.

But a major problem I deal with now is learning to accept the “phoniness” that I ALWAYS feel in social situations. If I were to “just be myself,” I’d sit there, quiet, not saying anything. Or maybe even never even venturing outdoors. My natural instinct is to be quiet, introverted, and non-engaging. But to develop friendships, to meet people, and to function in social situations, I have to “ACT” and wear a social mask. And that bothers the hell out of me. It’s phony, it’s a facade, it’s a social pretense, but I don’t know of any other way. I feel so fake!

I used to be rather nervous in social situations but the way I overcame it was by coming to the realization that people don’t go into meeting you negatively judging you. As long as you’re a sincere and happy person, they’ll enjoy your company. Hence the “be yourself” and “just have fun” advice.

So despite my good intentions, I’ve become a snob. How would you suggest helping shy/socially nervous friends in a social situation? I try not to make them uncomfortable but sometimes when I invite them somewhere, they become awkward even when I know them to be really fun.

Being yourself is great, the only problem is it presumes (amazingly) that each and everyone of us already knows what we want to do with our lives and what we’re passionate about. Millions and millions of people aren’t and don’t, hence spend their free cash on Movies and Video Games to distract ourselves. And then, in social situations have nothing to talk about. Once we find passion in our lives, people will be begging us to keep quiet about it, then we have a new, much smaller problem : listening skills