Grew up a loner, largely due to being picked on to an extreme as a kid. Branched out a bit in high school, but then went through some bad experiences and went into my shell. Started to come back out again in college, but went through some health issues and went back into my shell and have pretty much stayed there even though the health issues are over.

I have a job with good status and pay, own my own home, have paid off my college (but not mortgage) debt and I’m not even 30. I only have maybe 3 people I would consdier real friends, and on average I probably only see them 2x/year each. I’m mostly a loner, but when I want to go out and am able to push my self to do so (I’m very introverted/shy) I am able to attend and engage in activity with familiar faces, but less so with unfamiliar faces and rarely talk to the people outside of the activity (even during the same night). Have taught a number of people some of the social skills used in these settings, but find that I’m often used in doing so and they are no longer friendly once they are confident in their ability to mingle with others and have essentially taken what they want from me.

Don’t spend a lot of effort on it, but have been complimented on my style and am in decent shape, somewhat active in sports – looking to return to high level competition in a few. Have never had a gf or even kissed anyone.

Part of the above was due to working three jobs so I recently quit the two part times and rearranged my schedule in a way that will free up more time and make it easier for my schedule to be in sync with my peers (large pay cut, but it’s worth it if I can fix things, and I’ll still be doing alright, but will have to watch my spending more closely)

I’m also very kind and well mannered, probably to a fault. I think people see me as too vanilla.

Priority, is to get out more, get over my shyness, expand my social circle, stay in closer touch with my friends and start dating again (no dates in at least 3 years, and have probably only dated about 5 women in my lafe – and by dated I mean even a single date. haven’t done a whole lot of asking lately, but when I do I either get a flat no, or more often a yes followed by and unexplaned no show and changed/blocked number – and usually I haven’t used it before so it
s not like I’m badgering them and they blocked me out of annoyance).

I’m curious what you think the point of money is, if not giving to others and helping other people. This statement is baffling.

“I do NOT agree that what we call philanthropists are always financial enablers”

Now we’re actually debating the English language. Amazing, if someone who gives money away, and invests in improving Educational systems in foreign countries isn’t a financial enabler, then what is?

“… a lot of philanthropy is based on the idea that oh, there are these poor poor people who we can feel so great about helping to justify our obnoxious wealth while attacking all notions of socialism”

You should read Bill Gates Sr’s book. These are quite literally the richest people on Earth, and they advocate higher taxes. How does that work? Maybe they’re not hypocrites after all?

“… make them dependent upon “philanthropists””

Wow. Ever heard the expression ‘teach a man to fish and you feed him for life?’ … Oprah building schools in Africa, what a bitch, eh?

“Why is it that government assistance gets a bad rap and makes people moochers, but philanthropy is the height of nobility and “financial independence”?”

I know that was supposed to be clever, but let me answer your question:

Receiving welfare gets a bad rap, Giving Welfare doesn’t.

Other than that, which is, I admit, a matter of semantics, I agree with most of your post. But I am more socially independent than financially independent, I think. I’m somewhat of a moocher, but I’m working on it. It’s because I don’t have a lot of self-discipline, I’m still trying to get my B.A., and I feel like I just have so much core stuff to work on before I can live efficiently. I’m lucky I have friends! I stayed a bit too long, without asking, in the last place I was living because I couldn’t find another place to live and procrastinated on it (but it’s hard!)… but I didn’t want them to see me as a moocher, so even though again, as they were my friends, they never asked me to pay for the extra time I stayed there, I paid anyway… and I’m more broke because of it, but c’est la vie, hein ? But hopefully they don’t think so bad of me because they now have more money in their pockets than they anticipated. And now I’m staying with a friend in his apartment trying to find an affordable long-term place, and he’s not asking me to pay anything.

As far as social “independence,” I am probably a generic friend. I do lack skills to build new friendships quickly, and most of my friendships are like, we just see each other by happenstance, say we’ll hang out and never do. I have some skills for making new friends, but it could be much better. I’d like to be a social enabler, though I’m not sure how that works? I guess if you’re a community organizer, huh? Dunno!

I don’t want to be a philanthropist, though. I don’t like that word, and I do NOT agree that what we call philanthropists are always financial enablers… a lot of philanthropy is based on the idea that oh, there are these poor poor people who we can feel so great about helping to justify our obnoxious wealth while attacking all notions of socialism… make them dependent upon “philanthropists” who deem them worthy. Why is it that government assistance gets a bad rap and makes people moochers, but philanthropy is the height of nobility and “financial independence”?

You did slide a great point in there about how the world works, a constant exchange of value.

The most common value people get and receive, is money. You are given the value of money for your value of your work.

In this case, social dynamics interaction, it is a positive exchange of emotions and stimuli.

People who don’t need these positive emotions and stimuli, but gives them to other people are as what you said being socially independent.

That is how people will get addictive to you because you are constantly stimulating positive emotions in them.

For me, having Asperger’s Syndrome I have been trying to build a social life from about the age of 20. I’m now 28, and have number of friends from different places. I go to events run by a local social networking group I discovered online, and that has enabled me to meet many new people and types that I wouldn’t otherwise ever have bumped into which is great. I’m always working to develop friendships and I thus analyse the social dynamics of situations, and thinking about social independence or dependence adds another perspective to the issue.

You’ve given me some inspiration for my future posts on my blog, which is at http://socialdynamicsas.blogspot.com and gives my thoughts and analysis of social situations.

Great post! What I took from your blog is that we have to first of all value ourselves for all the right reasons and not take ourselves so seriously. But I do have a question for you. What if we do something nice for a close relative and yet they don’t appreciate it. Isn’t the blame on their side because I am doing this act of kindness not for them but for myself so if they don’t appreciate it I don’t lose anything but they do. How would you look at this situation.

Thanks again.

That said… I am not a very *productive* person… I don’t believe in half the things I produce… and that’s possibly a huge understatement.