Scott H Young

The Importance of Being Likable


LikableSmileLikability matters. In your career, most of the opportunities will come through other people, and people give opportunities to the people they like. In relationships, someone has to like you before they can love you. Anywhere in life, if people like you, they are more willing to help.

Unfortunately, likability has picked up a bad reputation. I read advice that says: make people either love you or hate you, popularity is an unhealthy vanity, the best minds were criticized by everyone around them. Ayn Rand glorified a dislikable character with Howard Roark, the hero of The Fountainhead.

People confuse likability with:

  • being generic
  • being wimpy
  • being too dependent on others
  • putting popularity above principles
  • or general diplomatic smarminess

However, all of these qualities, I would associate with a dislikable person. A generic, wimpy, dependant, smarmy diplomat isn’t a likable guy–he’s a tool.

Likability isn’t any of those things. It just means that people, on average, tend to form a good first impression of you, and that you are easy to like. That’s it. If likability means sacrificing your principles, independence or uniqueness, you’re doing it wrong.

The Power of Being a Likable Person

Likability doesn’t sound sexy. It sounds rather bland. Most people would rather have secret-ninja-style pickup lines, the perfect sales pitch or jedi mind-trick persuasiveness. While being likable isn’t magic, I think it does have a dramatic impact on your life.

Consider running a business. In any business, you need to deal with people all the time: customers, suppliers, contractors, employees, and peers. If your customers don’t like you, they’ll buy from somebody else. If your suppliers don’t like you, they won’t give you their best rates. If your contractors dislike you, they won’t be as serious about delivering on time, same with employees and you can forget about getting help from peers who dislike you.

From every angle of human interaction the basic question: “Do I like this person?” is being asked. Being able to get more people to say, “yes” to this question has a huge impact.

Likability is orthogonal to remarkability, courage and character. That means, how likable you are has almost nothing to do with your uniqueness as an individual, whether you’re a hero or a wimp, morally upstanding or shifty. I’ve met courageous, unique, morally upstanding people I really dislike. And I’ve also met generic, wimpy and sometimes dishonest people that, for the most part, were very easy to converse with and enjoy their company.

For every one of the previously mentioned character traits, I’ve met people who’ve had it that I like, and people who’ve had it that I dislike. So, why not be on the more likable side?

Likability is a Social Skill

Likability is simply a social skill, just like any other. Just like a good public speaker can deliver a persuasive speech, someone who has practiced the social skills of likability is easier to befriend.

Although the list is certainly incomplete, a few skills I associate with likable people are:

  1. Being nice. Nice isn’t wimpy, it’s just not being rude. Often people with lower confidence try to become more confident by being a jerk. Truly self-assured people don’t need to do this, so the most genuinely confident people are also often nicer.
  2. Friendliness. No matter how scared, unsure and lousy you feel you are at meeting new people, you can train yourself to be friendlier. There is a limit where friendliness becomes aggressive and rude, but most of the people I know are far below that threshold.
  3. Empathy. A likable person is observant, and avoids doing things to offend the other person. Or, if they do offend the other person, they are aware of that fact, and realize it is because of a deliberate choice. This is the difference between teasing a person’s accent, which may insult the person unintentionally, and standing your ground if someone doesn’t like your religion.
  4. Humor and Lightness. Likable people are usually easy-going, funny and lighthearted. It’s not that they are never serious, angry or sullen, just that they pick those moments wisely so that people don’t assume that’s their entire personality.
  5. Relating Their Passions. Likable people are easy to relate to. They’ve learned how to explain their passions and drives in a way other people can readily understand. I don’t particularly like skateboarding, but if you’re passionate about that as a hobby, you should be able to make me understand why you do.

But focusing on the specifics of the skill isn’t as important as the attitude that goes with it. If you accept that likability matters, you can make yourself more likable to people around you. You can strive to be nicer. You can aim to be friendlier. You can work on being empathetic to realize when you might be unintentionally stepping on someone’s toes. You can work on your sense of humor. You can explain your passions in a way that excites people who have never heard of them before.

Likability isn’t Everything, Just One of Many Important Things

I think some of the backlash towards likability is due to a certain breed of people. These are people who do everything and anything to be liked. They mimic their friends. Violate their personal standards. Bow down and grovel in the desperate need for attention. These people believe popularity isn’t just one important characteristic, but the only important characteristic.

Don’t be one of these people. For starters, I don’t think their approach is very effective. Paradoxically, if you sacrifice everything for likability, you aren’t usually very likable. Trying too hard to be cool typically only makes you a loser. Second, likability is just one of many other traits that are useful to have, it isn’t worth sacrificing everything for.

But, if you put likability in the right context, it’s a powerful tool. It makes relationships easier and it gives you more opportunities without manipulating other people. People help you because they genuinely want to help someone they like.


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16 Responses to “The Importance of Being Likable”

  1. Chris says:

    I agree with everything you’ve written here. It’s a great summary of the topic.

    It’s also one of my biggest beliefs that someone can improve their social skills, but still keep their core self the same. In fact, I think in a way if you’re generally likable, you have more freedom to be your true self, because people’s perceptions of the ‘real you’ aren’t spoiled by a bad social impression you may make.

    Though like this article says, people sometimes have this idea/baggage that being likable means you have to become this shallow, sell-out conformist. It’s this false dichotomy, and on the other end of the scale are the creative, unique individuals who are rough socially, but more ‘real’ because of it.

    A dozen high school or college movies play into these archetypes, it’s the evil popular kids vs. the nice, genuine outcasts. In reality you can be quirky and creative, but also friendly and at ease with people.

  2. Tracey says:

    I like…no wait!! I love this entry…

    BTW..your mising an “E” in likeability. Sorry its sort of a thing I cant help…Call it spelling OCD if you will.

    Rhode Island~

  3. Alina says:

    Hey,

    It was entertaining reading this. Just wanted to let you know that maybe you might want to fix something I noticed. On your second to last paragraph, “For starters, I don’t think *there* approach is very effective.”
    Maybe you might want to change it to “their” or something else.

  4. Julian says:

    I think of likeability as a by-product of leading a good life, rather than a goal in itself.
    p.s. Top marks for using the word ‘orthogonal’ ;)

  5. […] leave a comment » The Importance of Being Likable […]

  6. Aatash says:

    My government teacher is big on this exact thing. He calls it building “social capital”.

    I’m not sure if that’s a commonly used term, but if you want to read more about it, he actually writes a column in a local newspaper – check out the article for 3/31/07 on this page: http://www.what-it-takes.com/article_archive.php

  7. This is very true – the only way to get anywhere in the world is if everyone around you is willing to kill themselves to get your favor. By being likable, confident etc you can build up massive networks of people that you can use to propel yourself further than the average person. It definately doesn’t pay to be a curmudgeon

    p.s thanks for mentioning the fountain head it’s my favorite all time book, and Howard for all his flaws and struggles does actually “win” in the end.

  8. Scott Young says:

    Tracey,

    Likability is an alternative spelling of likeability: http://www.google.fr/search?hl=fr&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&hs=19Z&q=define%3A+likability&btnG=Rechercher&meta=lr%3Dlang_en (review the first entry).

    Alina,

    Correct. My proofreading skills leave something to be desired…

    -Scott

  9. […] The Importance of Being Likable « Scott H Young […]

  10. Colin Wright says:

    Really solid post, Scott. I try to explain this to people all the time when I’m doing personal branding coaching, and in a lot of cases people seem to think it’s just something that you have or don’t.

    You did a good job of breaking it down, though, so I’ll be passing people this way. Especially good that you mentioned the confidence angle, because most jerks that I know really just have low self-confidence and are trying to compensate for it by being abusively dominant toward others. It’s a shame that they don’t realize how much damage they are doing to their reputation.

  11. That was a great post!

    I just spent a few days with someone that thinks that being snobbish and judgemental is just “stating the facts”. What an undercover cynical approach! I am tired of all those people that think they are strong by not being likable! And I am tired of their attempts to persuade likable people that they are achieving that because they are being hypocrites, not expressing their true selves, so that people will relate to them more.

  12. […] 1. Say please and thank you. Simple, yet so often overlooked. When you want something, you say please. When someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. This may sound like a minor thing, but when you let people know that you appreciate what they do for you, it helps establish a friendly and respectful rapport. And guess what, they will see you as likable.   […]

  13. […] 1. Say please and thank you. Simple, yet so often overlooked. When you want something, you say please. When someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. This may sound like a minor thing, but when you let people know that you appreciate what they do for you, it helps establish a friendly and respectful rapport. And guess what, they will see you as likable. […]

  14. JB says:

    Great post Scott!

    I agree that there are many ways that one can make themselves more likeable as well (such as using those social skills you’ve mentioned along with smiling, remembering people’s names and being a good listener).

    Although it’s hard to define universal likeability since different types of people appeal to differently to various people.

    Nonetheless, I have noticed that naturally likeable people seem to possess certain inborn qualities. Many just seem to have a pleasant aurora about them even without them talking. They don’t necessarily have to be attractive but they possess a warmness that can’t be denied. Other innate traits of naturally likeable people tend include; empathy, openess to new ideas/experiences, social warmth, conscientiousness and physical attractiveness without the touch of arrogance.

    Unfortunately I’ve seen cases where likeability has backfired on some people. This happens when a naturally likeable person indirectly arouses jealousy in others who try to sabbotage or be uneccessarily aggressive or rude towards them to try and engage in divide and conquer.

  15. […] 1. Say please and thank you. Simple, yet so often overlooked. When you want something, you say please. When someone does something nice for you, you say thank you. This may sound like a minor thing, but when you let people know that you appreciate what they do for you, it helps establish a friendly and respectful rapport. And guess what, they will see you as likable. […]

  16. Sanjay Kumar says:

    Very nice article… short, crisp and meaningful.

Debate is fine, flaming is not. Pretend that this comment form is a discussion taking place in my house. That means I enjoy constructive criticism and polite suggestions. Personal attacks, insults and all-purpose nastiness will be removed especially if it is directed at other readers.

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