{"id":12223,"date":"2020-07-20T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-07-20T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/?p=12223"},"modified":"2020-07-08T12:39:32","modified_gmt":"2020-07-08T20:39:32","slug":"rebuild-confidence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2020\/07\/20\/rebuild-confidence\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Rebuild Your Confidence"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>A reader wrote to me saying his confidence was destroyed. He used to be a good student, but for the last few years that\u2019s started to slip. Recently he just failed an important exam, and doesn\u2019t know what to do.<\/p>\n<p>Rebuilding confidence is different from simply building confidence.<br \/>Building confidence, you\u2019re trying to do something you\u2019ve never been good at before. Joining Toastmasters, despite being terrified of public speaking. Trying Excel, even though you\u2019re no good with computers. Taking a painting class, when you\u2019ve only ever drawn stick figures.<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/stick-figure_blog_2.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12227\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/stick-figure_blog_2.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/stick-figure_blog_2-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/stick-figure_blog_2-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>Rebuilding confidence means you once were good. But now you\u2019re not. In many ways, this is a harder hurdle to overcome.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Framing Problem<\/h2>\n<p>At its root, confidence is about expectations. Thinking you\u2019ll do well is what it means to be confident. But the translation of a coldly calculated probability of success and the feeling of confidence isn\u2019t always straightforward.<\/p>\n<p>Framing effects occur when the same thing looks different depending on the surrounding context. The \u201cB+\u201d may feel wonderful for a perennially C student, but feel like a slap for the one who always gets As.<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/objective-vs-confidence_blog.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12228\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/objective-vs-confidence_blog.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/objective-vs-confidence_blog-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/objective-vs-confidence_blog-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>There\u2019s ample evidence that framing effects influence how we feel and think:<\/p>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Studies show math and language performance are correlated. But people self-report as \u201cmath\u201d or \u201clanguage\u201d types. Why? Because if you\u2019re slightly better at one, it shifts your expectation for what counts as \u201cgood\u201d for the other.<sup>[<a href=\"https:\/\/www.tandfonline.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1207\/s15326985ep2003_1\">1<\/a>]<\/sup><\/li>\n<li>Big Fish, Little Pond effects show that your self-concept depends on your peers. If you\u2019re a good student in a mediocre class, you feel smarter than if you\u2019re merely a good student in an elite school.<sup>[<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10648-008-9075-6\">2<\/a>]<\/sup><\/li>\n<li>Framing effects are common even outside of self-confidence. For instance, people irrationally change their strategy when the exact same problem is changed from \u201clives lost\u201d to \u201clives saved.\u201d<sup>[<a href=\"http:\/\/www.workingpsychology.com\/lossaver.html\">3<\/a>]<\/sup><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Now we can see why rebuilding your confidence is so tricky. Your expectations are rooted in your past performance. Coming in even a little worse feels devastating.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Relearning and Rebuilding Confidence<\/h2>\n<p>Practicing a skill that\u2019s gotten rusty feels similar.<\/p>\n<p>I recently had my first conversation in Spanish after over a month spent <a href=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/myprojects\/language-learning-at-home\/\">intensively practicing Macedonian<\/a>. I had let my practice slip in the year prior with the new book and baby, so I was probably already a little rusty. However, the added interference from a new language made things even worse.<\/p>\n<p>The results were brutal! I could barely stammer out basic sentences, as I was trying to suppress Macedonian words that had recently become more salient.<\/p>\n<p>In moments like these, doubts start to creep in. <em>Maybe my Spanish wasn\u2019t as good as I thought\u2026 How could I have let my practice slip so much\u2026 Maybe I\u2019ve ruined my ability to speak this forever\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Of course, those doubts are exaggerated. Learning a new language frequently suppresses an older one. You just need to do the work of untangling the <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Interference_theory\">interference<\/a>. Forgetting is normal, but relearning tends to be pretty fast.<\/p>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/new-over-old_blog.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12229\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/new-over-old_blog.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/new-over-old_blog-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/new-over-old_blog-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>Yet the way you feel isn\u2019t always rational. A switch has been flipped, where something that once gave pride and self-confidence, now undermines your self-image. There can be resistance to rebuilding, as you want to distance yourself from discomfort.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Play Over Performance to Rebuild Confidence<\/h2>\n<p>As we get better at a skill, we gradually shift our mindset from play to performance. Play is just for fun. Mistakes are forgiven and failure is part of the process. Eventually, we start taking ourselves more seriously as the rewards of success start to increase.<\/p>\n<p>Rebuilding confidence requires deliberately dialing back into the play mindset. There\u2019s a few ways you can do this:<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">1. Make failures painless.<\/h3>\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/painful_blog.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12230\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/painful_blog.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/painful_blog-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/painful_blog-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<p>This is a problem with <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Leitner_system\">some algorithms for spaced repetition<\/a>. They make failure extremely painful. In some, if you fail a review, the card goes back to square one, as if you just started studying it. <\/p>\n<p>From a memory standpoint, the back-to-zero approach seems implausible. If you forget something you\u2019ve studied many times before, a failed attempt simply isn\u2019t the same as starting from scratch. Ideally you\u2019d do a few reviews, then the spacing would rapidly return to previous levels.<\/p>\n<p>Subtle things like this, however, have an even bigger impact on motivation than memory. If you dive back into old reviews and get every card wrong, the failure is an extremely strong signal to stop.<\/p>\n<p>You can make review less painful if your first tests are no-consequence practice tests. Put cards you miss aside and try them again for real later. Do warm-up exercises for low stakes before you put yourself under the spotlight to perform again.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">2. Expect frustration and failure.<\/h3>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"598\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/pole-vault_blog.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12232\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/pole-vault_blog.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/pole-vault_blog-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/pole-vault_blog-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>What makes failure sting is the expectation of success. Some of this expectation is set unconsciously, as in the framing literature I reviewed above. But in other cases you can be explicit about your frame.<\/p>\n<p>If you start studying embracing the fact that you\u2019ll fail, it doesn\u2019t sting as much when performance suffers. Now you\u2019re just studying to see what you know and what you don\u2019t, rather than to get a good score.<\/p>\n<p>Premature expectations of performance are a big reason why students don\u2019t use effective studying techniques. They don\u2019t feel \u201cready\u201d so they stick to passive review instead.<sup>[<a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/doiLanding?doi=10.1037\/a0017341\">4<\/a>]<\/sup> The solution isn\u2019t to study ineffectively, but to lower your expectations so that effective methods don\u2019t feel too punishing.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">3. Trust the rebuilding process.<\/h3>\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/rebuild_blog.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12233\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/rebuild_blog.png 600w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/rebuild_blog-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/rebuild_blog-150x150.png 150w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p>There\u2019s a peculiar kind of meta-confidence that goes along with learning well. This meta-confidence isn\u2019t confidence that you\u2019re going to do well, but confidence that you\u2019ll eventually rebuild your confidence!<\/p>\n<p>My Spanish difficulties didn\u2019t worry me as much this time, because I\u2019ve experienced this multiple times before. I remember trying to speak French for the first time after my intensive immersion in Spain\u2014it was terrible! I couldn\u2019t believe how much I had forgotten.<\/p>\n<p>The problem in this case is that speaking similar languages involves both activating the correct word in one language while suppressing it in another. With practice, this gets easier. But add a new language, and this equilibrium can get disrupted. Now you always think of the word in one language, regardless of which one you\u2019re trying to speak. The other word is still \u201cthere\u201d it\u2019s just being out-competed by the newly learned expression.<\/p>\n<p>If you realize this, however, you can expect it and not have it frustrate you. Similarly if you expect relearning to involve a huge hit to performance but with faster relearning, the initial frustrations feel like hiccups along the way.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Even the Best Among Us Lose Confidence<\/h2>\n<p>As a young scientist, Richard Feynman felt he had burned out:<\/p>\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>I would get offers from different places\u2014universities and industry\u2014with salaries higher than my own. And each time I got something like that I would get a little more depressed. I would say to myself, \u201cLook, they\u2019re giving me these wonderful offers, but they don\u2019t realize that I\u2019m burned out! Of course I can\u2019t accept them. <strong>They expect me to accomplish something, and I can\u2019t accomplish anything! I have no ideas\u2026<\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n<p><cite><em>Surely You&#8217;re Joking Mr. Feynman<\/em>, emphasis added.<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>His way past it, in the end, was to reframe his expectations:<\/p>\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>And then I thought to myself \u2026 <strong>You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish.<\/strong> I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It\u2019s their mistake, not my failing.<\/p>\n<p><cite>Emphasis added.<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Of course, the universities banking on him weren\u2019t mistaken. Feynman had many great ideas, including the work that later <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Richard_Feynman#Physics\">won him a Nobel Prize<\/a> and placed him with the greatest minds of physics.<\/p>\n<p>It takes skill to strive ahead with confidence. But it takes character to continue on without it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A reader wrote to me saying his confidence was destroyed. He used to be a good student, but for the last few years that\u2019s started to slip. Recently he just failed an important exam, and doesn\u2019t know what to do. Rebuilding confidence is different from simply building confidence.Building confidence, you\u2019re trying to do something you\u2019ve [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-12223","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-personal-development","7":"entry"},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.3 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Rebuild Your Confidence - Scott H Young<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You used to be on fire. 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