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Much of what I write here is centered around the pursuit of the ideal life. There are plenty of problems with that pursuit: perfection is impossible, we have limitations, and how do you define \u201cideal.\u201d<\/p>\n
But, for the most part, I believe thinking about what the ideal way to live, and making small steps forward, is usually a good thing. Perfection may be impossible, and obstacles may get in the way, but we can at least strive to live well.<\/p>\n
Beyond the obvious problems, lies a deeper challenge: what if you don\u2019t actually enjoy the things you\u2019re striving for?<\/strong><\/p>\n Recent research shows that wanting and liking are controlled separately in the brain<\/a>:<\/p>\n \u201cliking is mediated by opioid\u00c2\u00a0 systems and primary sensory and valuation regions, whereas wanting is encoded by midbrain dopamine activity in efferent regions such as nucleus accumbens\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n This suggests you can artificially make someone want something more, while causing them to like it less.<\/p>\n And, in a clever experiment, researchers showed exactly that. Subjects in the \u201cjilted\u201d condition were manipulated to both want a prize more, and work harder for it, while at the same time value the prize less when they actually received it:<\/p>\n \u201c…this finding is astonishing, since the decreased ‘liking\u2019 was displayed exactly by those participants who had reported greater ‘wanting\u2019 for the particular gift card. The same event – having failed to win the card in the first attempt – had simultaneously affected participant’s wanting and liking for the gift card in opposite directions.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n While the study used gift-cards as the objects of participants\u2019 desires, it isn\u2019t too hard to imagine this playing out in a more significant context.<\/p>\n Imagine you\u2019re seeing someone. After a few dates, everything seems to be going well. Then she rejects you, or he doesn\u2019t call anymore.<\/p>\n Now you\u2019re split, not being able to have this person makes you want them even more. But at the same time, being rejected or avoided makes you like them less. \u201cShe isn\u2019t as nice a person as I thought… but maybe she\u2019s also the one<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019ve written before that research suggests people are often happier at work<\/a>, even though they strive to avoid it. Mih\u00c3\u00a1ly Cs\u00c3\u00adkszentmih\u00c3\u00a1lyi suggested this was due to flow<\/a>: work pushes us into flow, television often does not. That might explain his bizarre finding.<\/p>\n But reframing the problem through the issue of wanting and liking makes it easier to understand. If wanting and liking are controlled separately in the brain and can be pushed in opposite directions, it isn\u2019t surprising that sometimes we have low motivation for things (such as the difficult, but enjoyable mental state of flow) that we derive the most joy from.<\/p>\n Gift-cards, flow and unrequited love may be three clear examples, but I believe to a certain extent the difference between wanting and liking hampers even our pursuit of the ideal life.<\/p>\n Thinking about the ideal life essentially comes down to our own dreams and desires. Do you want a 3-car garage and a hot girlfriend? Or do you dream about running an online business and being able to live anywhere in the world? Any discussion about what makes a life ideal, inevitably asks, \u201cwhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n However, if our motivations can be influenced separately from our enjoyment, there is a sinister question beneath all our efforts:<\/p>\n What if we reach the ideal life, but don\u2019t actually enjoy it?<\/p>\n We don\u2019t always want what we enjoy, and we don\u2019t always enjoy what we\u2019ve spent a long time lusting after. This isn\u2019t news.<\/p>\n Literature is so full of characters who reach their dreams and then turn out to resent them, it\u2019s become a clich\u00c3\u00a9. Isn\u2019t falling for mirages just an inevitable risk we accept when taking on a challenging goal?<\/p>\n I\u2019m not sure you can eliminate the risk. But considering the thousands of hours we\u2019ll spend over our lives, pursuing the right education, finding the right spouse, advancing our career, doesn\u2019t it make sense to spend a little time untangling whether those pursuits are on-target?<\/p>\n Knowing where you\u2019ve been is the best way to avoid getting lost. Part of my answer to the paradox of motivation has been to keep a journal for the last several years. It\u2019s not a daily record of events, just a place where I can write every several days and think through bigger issues in my life.<\/p>\n One of the benefits of maintaining this habit over the years, is that I have extensive records of what issues were on my mind at different points in my life. This becomes a breadcrumb trail I can follow later when figuring out what I should pursue in the future.<\/p>\n I can look at two types of entries\u2013ones where I write about the pursuit of a goal<\/em>. There I can notice two things: how much motivation I want for the goal, and how much stress or enjoyment pursuing the goal creates for me.<\/p>\n I can also view entries which talk about my current mental state<\/em>. Seeing the frequency of enthusiastic vs depressed ramblings, gives a rough picture of how much I was enjoying my life and why.<\/p>\n Then the equation is simple: for the motivations I had, did they pay off? Did they make me instrumentally or experientially happier<\/a>?<\/p>\n An interesting finding just from reviewing my own entries, was that having a larger social group wasn\u2019t better than a smaller group. The times when I was surrounded by many people were often worse than when I spent more time with fewer, but closer, friends.<\/p>\n Despite this, my motivation has almost always been to expand my group and focus on meeting new people. Contracting my social group was rarely a priority even though in some cases it might have been the smart move.<\/p>\n Another interesting finding is related to travel. Simply that I typically enjoy working at home more than traveling. I look back fondly on short-term travel, but the actual act I enjoy less.<\/p>\n Here, the solution has been to rethink how I travel. Make it less about sightseeing and more about spending time with people. Longer-term travel where I live in a place for several months may also be a better alternative for me.<\/p>\n Of course, my message isn\u2019t that you should contract your social group or travel less. Those were just my examples. The real lesson is that keeping a journal<\/a> can give you the ability to go back in time and correct mistakes you made in the pursuit of the ideal life.<\/p>\n It\u2019s almost become expected that aging involves becoming more jaded and cynical about the world. Perhaps this is partially because pursuing wants that don\u2019t satisfy us is soul-crushing.<\/p>\n Keeping a journal and rethinking some of your motivations may seem overly analytical. But the goal isn\u2019t to doubt or question everything, just the opposite. It\u2019s to rediscover the motivations that actually satisfy us and pursue them wholeheartedly. To rekindle the naive enthusiasm for pursuing our dreams, worrying less whether they will burn us.<\/p>\n Question for the Readers<\/strong>: When have your motivations not been aligned with what you actually enjoy? What steps did you take to find and fix them? Please share your answers in the comments<\/a>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nWanting and Liking Aren\u2019t The Same<\/h2>\n
Strengthened Desires for Things You Don\u2019t Like?<\/h2>\n
Motivation Isn\u2019t Always Rational<\/h2>\n
Misguided Dreams and the Pursuit of the Ideal Life<\/h2>\n
Is it Worthwhile to Untangle the Paradox of Motivation?<\/h2>\n
Creating a Breadcrumb Trail Separating Wants from Enjoyment<\/h2>\n
Surprising Conclusions from My Breadcrumb Trail<\/h2>\n
Rekindling the Naive Enthusiasm<\/h2>\n