I have to say I\u2019ve been dissatisfied with the current self-help information on communication. Much of the material I have read focuses on how to become a more empathetic listener, problem solver or better transfer information. Very little focus is put on what is probably the most common form of communication, the conversation.<\/p>\n
Learning empathetic listening skills and effective communication of your ideas is great for when you need to understand and relate, especially in high intensity situations. Unfortunately, most of the time you talk with others it isn\u2019t to find solutions to a mutual problem or to gain a deep understanding but simply to relate or entertain.<\/p>\n
People don\u2019t judge you so much for who you are as they judge you for how you communicate yourself. And most of this marketing is done through conversation. If your conversation skills are poor you will appear boring, humorless and unlikable. Conversational masters make friends easily and others genuinely enjoy spending time with them.<\/p>\n
Seeing as your social life depends on you being a great conversationalist, what can you do to improve your own skills and become the person everyone wants to be around?<\/p>\n
Here is the first rule of conversation: It isn\u2019t about content. A lot of people falsely assume that conversation is more what you are talking about. This is wrong. Conversation is a lot more about how you communicate than what.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve had fantastic conversations with people that were about something completely trivial and unimportant. My first impressions about people were often based on similar discussions. People don\u2019t have most conversations to get information but simply to interact with other human beings. It is about entertainment and subtly proving you are a person worth being around.<\/p>\n
There is an old quote I like, \u201cWho you are screams so loudly I can\u2019t hear what you are saying.\u201d This is a great example of what I am talking about. Conversations aren\u2019t so much about the content about your speech but really what that speech says about you. Are you interesting? Funny? Important? Likable?<\/p>\n
I come from a family of conversationalists so I know the difference between sharing a great talk with someone and struggling to keep on a boring interaction. When I talk with someone who shares this skill we can talk about anything and make it interesting and great. With other people they can have great material but still come off wooden and dull.<\/p>\n
Unless of course, you are interesting<\/em>. One of the worst mistakes someone can make when having a conversation is the belief that people have any real interest in the events of your life unless they make great conversation. Ever have dinner with your spouse or friend and ask, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d That sentence alone indicates you are struggling for material.<\/p>\n People don\u2019t want to find out about you from what you explicitly say. Telling everyone you are a banker who likes to golf and take long walks on the beach doesn\u2019t say much about you. But if you have a conversation about how you eat crackers and you make them laugh you will speak volumes about your personality.<\/p>\n I think this is often a big problem when people first meet in a more formal context like at a wedding, party or for a date. They ask questions like, \u201cWhat do you do for a living?\u201d or, \u201cWhere did you grow up?\u201d or my personal favorite, \u201cWhat do you do for fun?\u201d Although these questions can trigger interesting conversations the actual information gleaned from them doesn\u2019t make a noticeable impression.<\/p>\n In my opinion there are three major skills that come with being a master conversationalist. Skill in these three areas makes the difference between someone who can leave a great impression, magnetize people and form friends. By now I hope you realize that these skills rarely have much to do with what you say as opposed to your personality and who you are.<\/p>\n The first part about being great at conversations is to simply be both funny and interesting. If you are humorless and dry people will quickly forget you and likely form a neutral to negative impression about you. Without interest you appear very mono-dimensional and boring. If you lack one category you can make up by including more of the other, but a lack of both will kill conversations.<\/p>\n Humor is an incredibly complex skill that can\u2019t be learned overnight. It takes a lot of practice until you can figure out the natural timing and flow of a joke. Once this rhythm sets in, it will become part of your personality. Practice makes perfect.<\/p>\n If you aren\u2019t naturally funny the best way to start is to simply start asking yourself, \u201cWhat is funny about this?\u201d Generally the reason most people aren\u2019t funny is simply that they think of something funny but fail to effectively verbalize. Keep trying and eventually the timing will set in.<\/p>\n If you have trouble thinking of funny things to say, read some jokes and try to work them into your conversations. Using scripted humor isn\u2019t as good as genuine humor but it can be good training material until you get your funny bone.<\/p>\n Interest comes from having an interesting life. You can be interesting by telling stories (which I\u2019ll mention later) or by simply being quick to bring up an interesting fact. Interest is similar to humor whenever people discover something they didn\u2019t expect.<\/p>\n A favorite piece I do when conversation gets dull is to ask this question: If I fold a piece of regular paper in half fifty times, how thick would it be? By asking this question and getting answers (most are usually within the range of six inches to a few feet) you can astound people with the actual answer. A piece of paper folded on itself fifty times will be approximately the distance between the earth and the sun in thickness. (.1(mm) * 2^50)<\/p>\n Why is being funny and interesting important? Shouldn\u2019t people like you for who you really are? The answer is because people rely far more on conversation than a resume to determine who you are deep down. I recently heard a statement which I thought to be incredibly true: \u201cYou tell one joke and it was a funny joke, you tell ten and you are a funny person.\u201d People will judge you based on conversation skills so get over it and start practicing.<\/p>\n The second skill in being a great conversationalist is to know how to tell a great story. Being funny an interesting is great but when you can only pull off one liners you won\u2019t create the intensity of interest you want. People relate all things through metaphor and story and becoming a great storyteller is critical to creating a connection.<\/p>\n So how do you tell a great story? Being a great storyteller is incredibly complicated so if you end up getting \u201cuh-huh\u2019s\u201d from people after boring them into the ground with your mediocre tale, it is going to take a lot of work. But the basics of good stories is fairly simple and by practicing them you can hone the finer details of your conversational craft.<\/p>\n A story is told simply to provide context for one or a sequence of interesting points. Don\u2019t tell a story just to tell it. You need to have an interesting point to make it worthwhile. If your story has a couple of interesting points, better, but it needs to have at least one. When someone asks you how your day was, you\u2019d better respond with something more than the summary of your itinerary.<\/p>\n Your most interesting point should be the last thing you say in your story. Saying an interesting point followed by a bunch of boring ones reduces the impact of your story. So if the main point of your story was that you met Tom Hanks in the produce aisle of your grocery store, don\u2019t keep talking about what type of lettuce you eventually settled upon.<\/p>\n If your story only has one really interesting point, keep it short. People will stop paying attention if you spend fifteen minutes to provide only one interesting point. If your story needs to be longer, pace it out with humor or interesting points to keep the attention sustained up until your final point.<\/p>\n People prefer stories about people they know. Try to only use stories that somehow involve you. Just because a friend has an excellent story doesn\u2019t mean it is worth retelling to people who never met her. Conversational stories are interesting because they form a window into your life from an intriguing context. Even fantastic stories that are unrelated to you or the person you\u2019re talking to will appear noticeably dryer. This is a common mistake by people who don’t realize that I (or any other human being) don’t care about people I’ve never met before.<\/p>\n In an effort to get a conversation going a lot of people start grasping for stories to tell. Questions like, \u201cHow was your weekend?\u201d are a perfect example of story grasping. You should have enough material that questions like that are a last resort. These statements should be used out of kindness but you should always have a great story as back up if the person can\u2019t think of one.<\/p>\n A story can be told more than once. I have many stories, anecdotes and humorous topics from which I know people react favorably to. Whenever the conversation needs it I simply use one that I haven\u2019t used with this group of people before. The more you tell a story the better you get the natural timing and emphasis. Just don\u2019t reuse the same story with the same people.<\/p>\n The third skill to understand when mastering conversations is to understand the natural tempo and rhythm. Each communication you have will have a natural flow of ideas at a certain relative speed. This also relates to how fast the switch-offs between speakers are and the amount of pauses.<\/p>\n If people are having a very fast conversation, don\u2019t break out a slow building fifteen minute story with just a few points of interest or they will be dying to interrupt you the entire time. Don\u2019t bother speaking if you can\u2019t capture attention, and people aren\u2019t paying attention when they have their own story to tell.<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t have an incredibly valuable story for a fast conversation it is probably best to stick with interesting or funny quips instead. Slower paced conversations, however, can make use of a long story which can then provide fuel to speed up the tempo.<\/p>\n Conversational rhythm is of critical importance when you are trying to enter a conversation, particularly with strangers. Starting out with a long story isn\u2019t nearly as effective as offering a quip. Once you integrate yourself into a conversation you can start offering longer stories to fill the space.<\/p>\n Often people don\u2019t go and meet people because they aren\u2019t sure what to say. The key is simply to throw a small comment. Small quips are like asking for an invitation and if they get a response you can easily work your way into even the most high energy conversations. When your humor and interest skills become worked into the deepest levels of your personality you can enter just about any conversation smoothly.<\/p>\n Communication is largely about conversation and when you begin to understand this you will improve your relationships. Ultimately it breaks down to improving your ability to use humor, interest and tell captivating stories. Watching the tempo is critical so you can smoothly insert your conversational skills and join any conversation you want. Have fun conversing!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I have to say I\u2019ve been dissatisfied with the current self-help information on communication. Much of the material I have read focuses on how to become a more empathetic listener, problem solver or better transfer information. Very little focus is put on what is probably the most common form of communication, the conversation. Learning empathetic […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[679],"tags":[39],"class_list":{"0":"post-167","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-nc-habits","7":"tag-social","8":"entry"},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Three Skills of Conversation<\/h2>\n
Be Funny and Interesting<\/h2>\n
Tell Stories<\/h2>\n
Rule One: Know Where You are Going<\/h2>\n
Rule Two: End With a Bang<\/h2>\n
Rule Three: Keep it Short or Keep it Interesting<\/h2>\n
Rule Four: Keep it Personal<\/h2>\n
Rule Five: Don\u2019t Grasp for Stories<\/h2>\n
Rule Six: Practice Your Stories<\/h2>\n
Watch the Tempo<\/h2>\n