{"id":722,"date":"2008-05-08T10:00:30","date_gmt":"2008-05-08T17:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2008\/05\/08\/self-confidence-is-an-oxymoron\/"},"modified":"2018-04-04T03:08:36","modified_gmt":"2018-04-04T10:08:36","slug":"self-confidence-is-an-oxymoron","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2008\/05\/08\/self-confidence-is-an-oxymoron\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-Confidence is an Oxymoron"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve noticed that confident people tend to focus less on themselves and more on their outside environment. If you have polished public speaking skills, you don\u2019t think about getting nervous or being embarrassed. Instead you\u2019re focused on the audience and the content of your speech. I\u2019d argue that self-confidence is an oxymoron because total confidence means a lack of self.<\/p>\n

If you see confidence as an absence of self, I believe it\u2019s easier to avoid some of the pitfalls that come with the advice to \u201cbe confident\u201d.<\/p>\n

Is Confidence Important?<\/h2>\n

I have doubts<\/a> that<\/a> complete confidence<\/a> is the answer. Yes, there may be some psychological benefits to believing you\u2019re without flaws, but there are some dangerous consequences.<\/p>\n

Arrogance can catch up to you and unrestrained confidence can cause you to misjudge plans and take unnecessary risks. The Sydney Opera House is a famous case of overconfidence<\/a>. The project was originally expected to cost $7 million and finish in 1963. Ten years and 95 million dollars overbudget, the project was finally completed in 1973.<\/p>\n

Humility can have advantages too. When you\u2019re open to your own potential weaknesses and mistakes, you can seek to improve them. Too much confidence can stop improvement.<\/p>\n

Arrogance is Low Self-Esteem<\/h2>\n

Bragging is usually a sign that you lack confidence in your abilities. If you feel the need to tell everyone how great you are, that is probably because you\u2019re worried they won\u2019t find out on their own. Arrogance can often just be a pendulum swing away from low self-esteem.<\/p>\n

I feel this is part of the reason the advice to be confident never stuck with me. When you see that overconfidence is usually a symptom of the same disease, it becomes hard to believe that more confidence is the answer.<\/p>\n

But if we redefine confidence to mean being so comfortable with your abilities that you don\u2019t need to think about yourself, it takes a completely different perspective. From this outlook, you are neither boasting or self-bashing. You aren\u2019t worried about yourself so 100% of your energy is devoted to the problem and people around you.<\/p>\n

Generally I\u2019ve thought of confidence as being on a scale with low self esteem on one end and arrogance on the other. Perhaps it would be better to see it as a grid, with a second dimension which resembles your level of comfort with your own abilities. This level of comfort doesn\u2019t lie about your strengths and weaknesses, it just accepts them so completely you stop worrying about you and can focus on more important things.<\/p>\n

\"ConfidenceDiagram.png\"<\/p>\n

I\u2019m calling this extra dimension \u201ctrue confidence\u201d but that\u2019s just a label. The concept, not the labels I use, are what matters.<\/p>\n

Cultivating True Confidence and Breaking Bad Advice<\/h2>\n

From a rational perspective, any attempt to deceive yourself into thinking you\u2019re worse or better than you actually are is dangerous. You might take costly risks or become unnecessarily cautious, depending on how you\u2019re biased. How does this fit with the advice to \u201cbe confident\u201d?<\/p>\n

I think the answer lies in tweaking how you define confidence. When you see confidence as being this second dimension, it begins to make more sense. Now, instead of seeing yourself as horrible or excellent, you stop thinking about yourself at all. Everything becomes focused on the situation and environment.<\/p>\n

I can remember hearing advice from someone that if you wanted to be incredibly social you had to \u201cget outside your head\u201d. When you spend your time thinking about \u201cyou\u201d rather than just getting out there, you end up standing alone in a corner. Extroverts might have a mastery at this \u201cgetting outside your head\u201d for social situations, but the same idea applies to every area of life.<\/p>\n

When I write, I try to put complete emphasis on the article itself. Thinking about myself, my issues, some negative comment I received or even positive feedback is detrimental to the article. Only when I stop thinking about \u201cme\u201d and focus on the idea I want to cover does the writing become easy.<\/p>\n

Cultivating this true confidence isn\u2019t easy. There aren\u2019t any tricks, just practice and building skills. But at least if you have a picture about what total confidence looks like, it is easier to improve.<\/p>\n

Thought Ratio as a Measure of Confidence<\/h2>\n

I\u2019ve noticed that the areas of my life where I\u2019m least confident, are the ones I have wildly swinging self-oriented beliefs. When I lack confidence about something, I\u2019ll sway from feeling mildly depressed about it to manically positive.<\/p>\n

This pendulum swing doesn\u2019t make much sense if you view confidence as being a linear scale. But it makes perfect sense if you see that both of these directions (feeling too good about yourself or being too hard on yourself) are symptoms of a low level of true confidence on this extra axis.<\/p>\n

A good way to see your measure along this axis is to ask yourself how much time you spending thinking in a self-judging fashion. The judgment might be positive (\u201cI\u2019m great\u201d) or bad (\u201cI suck\u201d). When your thoughts are mostly self-absorbed, that\u2019s probably a sign you need to build true confidence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve noticed that confident people tend to focus less on themselves and more on their outside environment. If you have polished public speaking skills, you don\u2019t think about getting nervous or being embarrassed. Instead you\u2019re focused on the audience and the content of your speech. I\u2019d argue that self-confidence is an oxymoron because total confidence […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[9,681,15],"tags":[33],"class_list":{"0":"post-722","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-courage","7":"category-nc-mindset","8":"category-communication","9":"tag-confidence","10":"entry"},"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nSelf-Confidence is an Oxymoron - Scott H Young<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2008\/05\/08\/self-confidence-is-an-oxymoron\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Self-Confidence is an Oxymoron - Scott H Young\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019ve noticed that confident people tend to focus less on themselves and more on their outside environment. 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