{"id":883,"date":"2008-12-22T10:00:46","date_gmt":"2008-12-22T17:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2008\/12\/22\/how-to-be-more-social\/"},"modified":"2024-01-01T02:56:20","modified_gmt":"2024-01-01T10:56:20","slug":"how-to-be-more-social","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.scotthyoung.com\/blog\/2008\/12\/22\/how-to-be-more-social\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be More Social"},"content":{"rendered":"

Money, health and productivity aren\u2019t satisfying if you don\u2019t have any friends. It can be even worse to be stuck inside a social group that doesn\u2019t respect you, forces you to conform or discourages you from making improvements in your life. Social skills are vital, because our greatest victories and most sobering defeats will be with and through other people.<\/p>\n

This is a longish article (~2000 words), exploring the idea of how to become more social, expanding on the ideas as I’ve<\/a> written<\/a> about<\/a> them<\/a> before<\/a>. You might want to bookmark this post if you don’t have time to read it all now.<\/p>\n

How to Be More Social<\/h2>\n

I became a lot more social when I moved from my smaller town to the larger city of Winnipeg. Before my move, I hadn\u2019t built many strong relationships in my hometown. This was partially due to my personal development efforts, as I distanced myself from the crowd to work on myself. It was only after I moved that I realized I was missing a huge chunk of life, and I needed to take steps to fix it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to go over the steps I took to become more outgoing. So far, nearly three years later, those steps have been very successful. I have several groups of friends, and any evening I spend by myself is a matter of choice, not a lack of options. Although this article is about becoming more social in general, the same principles I\u2019ll talk about here have improved my dating life, including meeting the woman I\u2019m seeing right now.<\/p>\n

First, Make it a Priority<\/h2>\n

If your social life is bankrupt, in order to change, you need to make it your top priority. This means you actually need to invest time meeting people, spending time with new friends and being outgoing. This can be hard for people who are less naturally outgoing for two reasons.<\/p>\n

The first is that you might not value social activities as much. I felt the same way when I went to University, believing that all the drinking and partying was mostly a waste of time. Unfortunately, that value system got me into the problem of being isolated in the first place. You don\u2019t need to spend every night in the bar to make friends, but if you want to be more social you need to start spending time where people are. Long nights playing MMORPGs or studying for final exams won\u2019t help you meet people face to face.<\/p>\n

The second problem can be the energy you need to put in to be social. If you\u2019ve been living a quiet life for awhile, your social muscles probably aren\u2019t very strong. Mine certainly weren\u2019t. This can be uncomfortable if you\u2019re going to social events where everyone seems to be having effortless fun, while you feel drained and awkward just trying to keep up.<\/p>\n

The solution to the first problem is to re-evaluate your priorities. If building a strong circle of meaningful friends is important to you, your time should reflect that. The solution to the second problem is to not worry about it. Just like going to the gym, you\u2019ll build social muscles so what drains you out initially will be relaxed and fun later.<\/p>\n

What if your entire life is a mess? Should you make social skills a priority? My answer to this question is no. Personal excellence always has to come first<\/a>. Without that, it\u2019s likely that you won\u2019t have built a strong enough individual life to make social relationships meaningful.<\/p>\n

However, if you have a decent grip on the other realms of your life, but are struggling to build relationships, I suggest making it a top priority. Building social skills has ripple effects that help you in your career, finances, health and productivity, so it\u2019s an important investment.<\/p>\n

Want to Have More Fun? Be More Fun.<\/h2>\n

Life is a mirror, it tends to reflect whoever we are back to us in the people we meet and experiences we have. Interesting experiences only happens to interesting people. Fun events only occur for fun people. And, success only happens to successful people. This is the first rule of winning in any part of life.<\/p>\n

Especially in your social life, you need to become the very thing you\u2019re trying to attract. If you want to meet fun, exciting people, then you need to be more fun and exciting. If you want people to approach and meet you, you need to approach and meet other people. If you want to have fun, be more fun.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t an easy step, so don\u2019t beat yourself up if you can\u2019t accomplish it immediately. If you\u2019re in an unfamiliar environment, it\u2019s only human nature to close yourself up and be tense. Just realize that 95% of the time you\u2019re not getting the results you want, it is because you\u2019re not putting out the energy you expect back from other people.<\/p>\n

Be Friendly, Not Cool<\/h2>\n

There is a lot of advice on the internet about trying to be cool. Much of it is associated with how to pick up women. I\u2019m not going to judge that content, because some of it can be useful. But I think if anything can be said, it\u2019s that people who try<\/span> to be cool usually aren\u2019t cool.<\/p>\n

The scenario goes like this: the unsocial person sees that cool people are standoffish or arrogant. Therefore, they mirror that attitude becoming standoffish or arrogant. But this follows the first rule, and as a result, their environment mirrors them, being unfriendly and hostile.<\/p>\n

Social skills are a mostly unconscious process. I\u2019m sure everyone here can remember a time where they met someone incredibly friendly, but who was also incredibly socially awkward. However, the only way you can shake the feelings of awkwardness is to get used to the social norms of the people you\u2019re meeting. And the only way you can do that is practice. Trying to fake confidence or project a false attitude is incredibly transparent.<\/p>\n

I think a much better approach is to follow the first rule and treat other people how you want to be treated. If you want other people to be nice, friendly and fun in meeting you, do the same. If you take this attitude, it doesn\u2019t take long to realize that the cool people aren\u2019t arrogant or standoffish. They are the people who are friendly and outgoing, who introduce themselves to new people with a smile and pay attention when other people talk.<\/p>\n

Cultivate a habit of friendliness. Friendliness, more than anything else, will improve your social skills. This means be willing to initiate conversations, say hi to people, and make the first move. If you\u2019re not used to it, it takes a lot of energy. But, if you start small you can build it into an automatic part of your life.<\/p>\n

Start in Your Comfort Zone<\/h2>\n

You don\u2019t need to start by doing the most daring event, completely outside your comfort zone to get started. Although drastic measures can help, I think the internal dialog for many people goes like this:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. They want to go meet people, so they think of the biggest, most anxiety-ridden step.<\/li>\n
  2. They pump themselves up to do this, but fail.<\/li>\n
  3. They beat themselves up for lacking the willpower and start back at step one.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    There are plenty of ways to meet people. Some require a lot more confidence and suave, like stopping to talk to people during a busy event. Others are fairly easy, like going to a Toastmasters meeting (where you will probably be greeted by several people as you walk in).<\/p>\n

    My advice is this: start with the low-hanging fruit. Don\u2019t try building your confidence on the most daring social endeavors. Start with the easy ways to meet people and work your way up. As you gain more natural confidence, you can eventually bite off the social tasks that scare you the most.<\/p>\n

    When I started working out at the gym, I picked an amount of weight I could lift comfortably and slowly moved up. I didn\u2019t go back and forth from the gym, chastising myself because I didn\u2019t start with 100 lbs. Pick easy targets, build your confidence and move up.<\/p>\n

    Dispel Personality Myths<\/h2>\n

    The biggest myth that holds people back from creating satisfying social lives is that introverts can\u2019t be outgoing. I\u2019m an introvert. As much as I hate labels, I would fit that definition. I enjoy time by myself and prefer one-to-one conversations to large groups.<\/p>\n

    However, my status as an introvert has nothing to do with my ability to be outgoing. Many people mistake me for an extrovert when I gladly introduce myself to strangers join in group discussions. Innate personality differences do matter. But, remember, that your desire to form a particular social life is also an innate personality difference. The fact that you want <\/span>a certain experience is more important than any past history of success or failure.<\/p>\n

    Don\u2019t chase a social life you don\u2019t want, just because you feel you should. I\u2019m never going to be a pickup artist, simply because I don\u2019t have the desire. I’d much rather have deeper, emotionally satisfying relationships. But, if you do want something, never let the results of a questionnaire or beliefs of your current friends define what you\u2019re capable of.<\/p>\n

    Be Socially Independent<\/h2>\n

    I\u2019ve written about social independence<\/a> before. If you\u2019re interested in becoming more social, then I\u2019d suggest reading this article. Improving any area of your life often involves a dip. You need to get worse before you can get better. Sacrifice what you have, to start fresh.<\/p>\n

    The same is true of socializing. If your social life is already filled with friends you don\u2019t really connect with deep-down, you have a choice. Either you can work to rebuild those relationships and be more authentic, or you can let them slip. Letting them slip is sometimes the best decision, since it opens you up to form new relationships with people you\u2019re more compatible with.<\/p>\n

    If you spend a lot of time investing in personal development, you\u2019ll probably eventually outgrow your social group. Most people don\u2019t change significantly, so if you\u2019re making rapid changes to your life, the people you originally connected with might be the same people that hold you back. Loyalty to those people is dangerous, since it hurts your growth and builds resentment.<\/p>\n

    My suggestion isn\u2019t to cut them off entirely (unless they are completely destructive to your life), but to free up time and start venturing out on your own. If you build a separate, more compatible social circle, you\u2019ll naturally shift your time towards new people.<\/p>\n

    Build Relationships, Don\u2019t Just Start Them<\/h2>\n

    One mistake I made early on, was to confuse social skills with the ability to meet people. That\u2019s like making the confusion of running an online business with registering the website name. Meeting people is only the start, and if you get really good at meeting people, that does nothing for your social life unless you build lasting friendships.<\/p>\n

    Once you meet people you connect with, follow up with them. Invite them to things you\u2019re doing that they might be interested in. This is even easier nowadays with instant messaging and Facebook, allowing you to build relationships faster.<\/p>\n

    Unless you want to be socially promiscuous (meeting many people for one evening, and never seeing them again), I\u2019d suggest that at least half of your time improving your social skills should be devoted to improving the connections you\u2019ve already made. The joy of building a strong group, is that once you build more friends, those friends make it easier to meet new people.<\/p>\n

    The ultimate goal of becoming more social isn\u2019t to sleep with the most attractive person at the bar, or to have a posse of friends who follow you. The point is to enrich your life with people that inspire you, challenge you and imbue life with a richness that can\u2019t come from private successes alone. I believe that\u2019s a goal worth striving for.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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