Scott H Young

My headline might sound overreaching. Clearly a rule can’t define something as complex as human behavior. But despite this, I’ve found most people tend to make the same mistakes. These mistakes are frequent enough that they create conflicts later. Remembering these seven rules will help you avoid these mistakes.

People Skills is About Being Nice, Friendly and Interesting, Duh!

Most the books I’ve read on dealing with people either make two claims:

• Incredibly obvious stuff that most sensible people understand; even if they haven’t always mastered it. Things like be nice, be considerate, etc.
• Bizarre and complex theories that may explain some behavior, but is difficult to generalize.

Between these two I’ve found there seems to be a gap of information that is can be applied generally, but isn’t always obvious. These frequent mistakes tend to cause most people conflicts, social errors and emotional upsets.

The Seven

Here are the seven rules I’m talking about:

Rule One: Never blame malice for what can easily be explained by conceit.

People don’t care about you. This isn’t because people are mean or hurtful, but simply because they are mostly focused on themselves. Consider this hypothetical pie-chart showing the variety of thoughts a typical person has:

In this example, 60% of thoughts are self-directed. My goals. My problems. My feelings. Another 30% are directed towards relationships, but how they affect me. What does Julie think of me? How will boss evaluate my performance in the next review? Do my friends like me or see me as irritating?

Only 10% in this model is time spent in empathy. Empathy is the rare event where one person actually feels the emotions, problems and perspective of another person. Instead of asking what Julie thinks of me, I ask what is Julie thinking.

Within that 10%, most people then divide attention between hundreds of other people they know. As a result, you would occupy a fraction of a percentage in most peoples minds, and only a couple percentage points in a deeply bonded relationship. Even if you are in another persons thoughts, it is how your relationship affects them, not you.

What does this mean?

• Embarrassment doesn’t make a lot of sense. Since others are only focusing a small portion of there thoughts onto judging you, your self-judgement is overwhelmingly larger.
• People who appear to be mean or hurtful don’t usually do it intentionally. There are exceptions to this, but generally the hurt you feel is a side-effect, not the principle cause.
• Relationships are your job to maintain. Don’t wait to be invited to parties or for people to approach you.
  

Rule Two: Few Social Behaviors are Explicit

Basically this rule means that most the intentions behind our actions are hidden. If a person is feeling depressed or angry, usually the resulting behaviors distort their true feelings. If I feel you snubbed me, I might hold my tongue but ignore you later.

The old joke is that women use words like, “fine,” and, “go ahead,” when they really feel the opposite. But I’ve noticed men do this too in polite situations, although often not in the same way.

The application of this rule is that you need to focus on empathy, not just hearing a person. Demonstrate trust, build rapport and learn to probe a bit. By focusing on empathy you can usually break away these subversions and get to the heart of the issue faster.

The other application of this rule is that most the time you feel something, nobody else knows about it. So don’t get angry when people aren’t responding to you. If you deceive your thoughts with your actions, don’t get angry when you fool people.

Rule Three: Behavior is Largely Dictated by Selfish Altruism

To say everyone is completely selfish is a gross exaggeration. That ignores all the acts of kindness, sacrifice and love that make the world work. But I would argue that most (not all, but most) behavior does work from the principles of selfish altruism.

Selfish altruism is basically win/win. It is where helping you directly or indirectly helps me. There are a couple main categories where this applies:

1. Transactions - If I purchase a car, both myself and the dealer benefit. I get a vehicle, which I want. The dealer gets money to improve his lifestyle. This is the predominant form of selfish altruism between people who don’t have emotional bonds.
2. Familial - Blood is thicker than water. We are designed to protect people who share our genes. This can sometimes shift towards extremely close friends and loved ones.
3. Status - Helping someone is a sign of power. Many species of primates will offer assistance as a sign of dominance. People act similarly, offering aid to boost their self-esteem and reputation.
4. Implied Reciprocity - Many relationships are based on the idea that if I help you, one day you will help me as well.

Occasionally behavior falls outside this group. Nameless heroes dying for causes that don’t help their bloodline. Volunteers devoting their time towards humanitarian missions. But these are the minority, whereas most actions can be explained by some form of selfish altruism.

How do you apply this rule? You understand the motives of people and appeal to them as if they were selfish. Find ways to help people within these four categories. Don’t expect people to offer aid outside of selfish altruism, it isn’t impossible, but it isn’t likely.

Rule Four: People Have Poor Memories

Ever been told someone’s name at a party and then forgot it later? Another rule of human behavior is that people have trouble remembering things. Especially information (as you’ll recall in rule one) that doesn’t apply to themselves. People are more likely to remember your similarities than your differences (unless they were emotionally incensed by them).

Recently I even broke this rule. I made arrangements to talk to a person I hadn’t met before on the phone. Even with my normally foolproof system of calendars and to-do lists, a few spontaneous schedule changes caused me to miss the call. I quickly apologized and made a new arrangement.

But the fact is most people don’t have organized GTD systems. People are forgetful by nature, so once again, don’t assume malice or disinterest if something is forgotten. The other side of this rule is that you can demonstrate reliability by having a good memory or system (if it doesn’t fail you).

Rule Five: Everyone is Emotional

Perhaps this is an exaggeration. But the core of the message is that people tend to have stronger feelings about something than they let on. People who regularly have outbursts of anger, depression or flamboyant enthusiasm are generally frowned upon in most cultures. This especially applies to men (for women trying to figure us out).

The application of this rule is to not assume everything is fine just because someone isn’t having a nervous breakdown. We all have our individual problems, angst and upsets that are normally contained. You don’t need to call people out on their private deception, but being sensitive to those underlying currents gives you an advantage in trying to help.

The alternate application of this rule is similar to rule two. People generally assume everything is fine unless you just had a blowup.

Rule Six: People are Lonely

This is another broad generalization. But it is amazing how many people who seem to have it all, suffer from bouts of loneliness. As social animals, I believe people are especially sensitive to any threats to becoming ostracized. In Neanderthal times, exile meant death, so loneliness and the desire to be with other people is a strong one.

The application of this rule is that loneliness is fairly common, so in that sense, you really aren’t alone. I used to be bothered when I felt alone or an outsider in a social group. Although I’m still human, I’ve found recognizing this feeling to be fairly common as a way to minimize it.

Rule Seven: Did I Mention People Are Self-Absorbed?

This may sound like a reiteration of rule one, but I believe the applications extend beyond relationships and your emotional state. The fact that people tend to be too concerned about themselves to give you much attention, that people tend to be lonelier, more emotional and feel differently than they let on applies to how you view the world.

If anything this perspective should make you more proactive and independent. Once I started really learning these rules, it made far more sense that I needed to take charge. By placing your individual happiness in the hands of another person (or people), you ignore all these rules and do so at your own peril.

I like to take an optimistic, but realistic view of people. People who are generally try their best, but make mistakes and suffer from unintended self-absorption. In other words, they are basically like you.

A small amount of water reduces thirst. A large amount can poison you. The same principle applies to information. A small, carefully chosen amount can enhance your ability to make smart decisions. Too much and you fare no better than chance.

The negative effect of too much information has been demonstrated in studies. One study, documented in The Black Swan, involved a blurred picture of a fire hydrant. The picture was slowly made more clear and participants were invited to guess what the object was. Surprisingly, participants shown more intermediate steps to arrive at the half-blurred image were less likely to guess the identity of the fire hydrant.

Despite the negative influence of too much information, few people recognize the toxicity. In one test, doctors were given more information about patients than was necessary to provide a diagnosis. The extra information actually decreased the doctors ability to diagnose, while making them more confident.

In other words, more information makes you think you know more. Even if you actually know less.

How Information Poison Affects You

Information poisoning probably happens more than your realize. Here are two examples:

• Irrelevant Measurements. I’m a fan of measurements, but there are cases where excessive measurement can lead to bad theories. Weighing yourself every day may lead you to suspect different exercises are more or less effective. But since water and food content fluctuate more than fat levels on a daily basis, these measurements aren’t just meaningless; they can be damaging.
• Analysis Paralysis. You’ve probably known people who research and theorize endlessly, but never get anything done. Too much information can create doubt, when what you need is experimentation.
  

How to Purify Your Information Stream

Managing the information that is coming to you isn’t easy. Controlling what data you focus on ensures that irrelevant facts and overload don’t confuse the important.

1. Minimize. Minimizing information may sound like a sin. Doesn’t that just push you into the ignorant masses? I’d argue that humans are information consumers, and it takes effort not to absorb information. Remember that information isn’t knowledge. Minimize the amount of facts that aren’t important to leave cognitive space for those that do.
2. Disable Useless Theorizing. How does checking your website stats every hour help you? I currently check my stats once a day out of habit. Now I’d like to check them once a week. This disables me from creating theories trying to explain random fluctuations. Occasionally my stats might go up and down in a few days, and especially after a popular post. But speculating on the causes of daily fluctuations are a waste of thinking.
3. Limit Critical Metrics. Find the key pieces of information that actually do predict results. Most fields involve a lot of variables for success. But usually they have one or two measurements that make up the majority of predictive efforts. Here’s a few examples I can think of:
   • Blogs - Posting rate and posting depth. There are tons of variables that can spell success for a blog. But I’ve found the best factors to look at are how often they post entries and the depth of the entries they post. A few blogs can post infrequently and win on home runs. But most win by simply taking a lot of swings.
   • Physical Fitness - Frequency of going to the gym. This ignores intensity of workouts, exercise style and supplements consumed. But the amount of times you actually show up is probably the most critical metric.
   • Dating - Number of women/men asked on a date. I’ve read a lot of books advocating complex theories about dating. Interesting ideas, but honestly I think the best metric to focus on is how many people you are asking. Confident people win because they are willing to take enough chances, not because they have secrets of seduction.
4. Disconfirm. Humans have a tendency to prove themselves right. We are believing, not rational, machines. Instead of seeking information that fits your theories, try to prove yourself wrong. Statistically significant proof of being incorrect is worth far more than another anecdote that supports your cause. Resist bias.
5. Watch Out For Randomness. I’ve had a few blogger friends send me an alarmed message when their subscriptions stats take a daily nosedive. I tell them not to worry because it is probably just a random variation, not a significant trend. Limit information streams so they send you broader pictures rather than useless variations.
6. Turn Off Noise. Cutting out distractions is a common theme of this blog. I believe focusing on random details is counterproductive. Minutia needs to be turned off because the brain is tricked into thinking it matters.
7. Knowledge Over Information. Facts are useless. What really matters is how you weave that information into your understanding of how the world works. Focus on taking in a smaller chunk of information, but consciously thinking about it more. Critical thought and absorbing data aren’t always in conflict, but try to spend more time contemplating and writing than simply consuming.
8. Don’t Pick Easy Numbers. Measurability does not make data useful. I used to record the number of books I had read each year. Later I realized that some books were worth ten times more than others. Picking the wrong number was sabotaging me into finishing poor books to boost my annual metric. Pages read or, better yet, time spent reading were more useful numbers in hindsight.
9. Label Your Information Streams. Become aware of how you are spending your cognition. Pick a major area of your life. Now write down the sources of information you use to make decisions for that list. If we are talking about your school studies it could be:
   • Hours spent studying
   • Grades on papers
   • Nights spent at the University library
   • Pages of notes taken

   These are just major ones, there are hundreds of streams used to evaluate performance. Labeling these information streams may point you to weaknesses in your approach. If you’ve found hours study doesn’t correspond with your success, you should stop measuring that and focus on a metric that counts.

Quality Over Quantity

This may not sound like a big problem. Sure you get a lot of information, but you can handle it. Plus it keeps you informed, right? If you consider that studies showed confidence improved while competence decreased, you might want to cast a little more doubt on that assumption.