I see two opposite camps when it comes to social skills. One is the highly analytical camp that breaks down social behaviors into mechanics and patterns. Although this is often associated with the seduction community, I’m referring to it in the realm of general social skills. The other camp is the “be yourself” crowd that despises these over-thought and sometimes manipulative techniques.
For a highly-analytical guy who likes being authentic, I’ve had a hard time reconciling the two camps. Both have aspects I agree with, and both have aspects I disagree with. I don’t feel I’m alone. However, I’d like to share a story which should relate my attempt to bridge the gap between thinking for yourself and being yourself when it comes to social skills.
Two Left Feet
I never used to dance. I think the first time I danced at an event in public would have been in my early to mid teens. Like a lot of people, I was a bit too self-conscious and didn’t have any experience dancing. I was told that I should just “be myself”, not worry what other people think and just have fun.
But, as I’m sure many of you know, that advice is easier said than done. When you’re unsure of yourself, it feels almost impossible to just “have fun.” (Unless there is a large amount of alcohol involved…)
Although I eventually got up and started dancing, I wasn’t entirely comfortable. When I didn’t drink, I wouldn’t feel comfortable dancing unless I felt I could blend into the crowd. I don’t have an exhibitionist streak, so blending in was important to me.
About two years ago, I made a complete flip on my dance floor self-image. On a whim, I enrolled in a short course for Latin dancing. I learned the basics of the Merengue, Salsa and Bachata. Although I’m still a complete novice, learning the actual dance steps gave me something I didn’t have before.
The truth is, I didn’t even use most of the dancing skills I was taught. Few parties and clubs play Latin music, and even fewer people know how to Salsa. However, taking the class made me more aware of how to dance, even more importantly, it improved my self confidence.
When I dance, I’m not thinking about the steps or paying attention to the beat. I just “have fun” as so many people told me earlier, at a time when it felt impossible. The abilities and confidence lie in the background. Learning the mechanics and thinking were helpful in building those abilities and confidence, even if they aren’t used when I actually dance.
Last Friday I was at a club with a group of friends. The dance floor was crowded and I bumped into a large guy who looked serious. It was an accident, but the floor was crowded and in another minute or two, I had accidentally brushed against him again. He gave me an odd look, and I was considering leaving. I’d rather not ruin my night with a bar fight.
After a few minutes the big guy taps me on my shoulder. He pulls me closer to tell me something, at which point I’m wondering where I might be able to move to avoid a fist in the face. He leans to me and says, “You know, I have to give you credit. You’re the first white guy I’ve met with some decent dance moves.”
Self-Improvement With Social Skills
Several years ago I was incredibly introverted. I felt I had basic conversation and social skills, but I wasn’t incredibly outgoing. I spent most of my time by myself and went to few group functions.
Two days ago I was at a special reception with many prominent people from the business community. I was with a smaller group of students, who mostly stuck to themselves. Myself and one other person took the initiative to say hello to complete strangers. One man told the two of us we, “had a lot of gumption,” for coming up to say hi. I took it as a compliment as I’d rather have gumption than become a wall flower.
I think the ideas about dancing are the same for social skills. An understanding and practice of the mechanics can improve your confidence and awareness of socializing. However, when it comes to the real event, you don’t rely on those theories and go with your intuition. Although I don’t use the steps and mechanics when dancing, learning them gave me a better awareness of how I move my body.
A Highly-Analytical, Intuitive Approach
Public speaking is a similar pursuit that has this apparent analysis/intuition paradox. On the one hand, you want to watch your crutch words, hand gestures and vocal tonality. Forgetting these elements means that you’re harder to understand. However, when you’re on stage, you want to speak naturally, not like a robot reading from a script.
To anyone who doesn’t feel confident dancing, I suggest taking a class. You probably won’t explicitly use 90% of the things you learn. But the awareness and practice will give your confidence a boost. I don’t feel self-conscious even when someone tells me I’m a bad dancer, because I have enough awareness to disregard one person’s opinion.
For social skills, I believe it is important to consider the mechanics. Look for what makes some people funny and others boring. Look at the social norms that people follow to try and pick apart the “rules” people use when having conversations. Think through different theories to see if you can explain patterns in human behavior.
But when you actually go up to dance, forget the steps and trust your intuition. Those ideas and concepts will hopefully give you increased awareness. But they can’t replace empathy, authenticity and genuinely connecting with other people. For those, you need to ignore the steps and just follow the music.
Ignore Social Skill Snobs
Some people, either through genetic gifts or a favorable childhood, built social skills early. They became extroverted and popular. While I don’t want to characterize my past self as a complete geek, I was never one of those people. So I can completely empathize with the desire to improve your social skills.
Social skill snobs, often don’t realize the difficulty and pain that goes into mastering conversations, introductions and humor that many people go through. I’ve received dozens of emails from people who are struggling with this aspect of life. Snobs tend to think that the awareness and confidence they take for granted are available to everyone. That is why trite advice like “be yourself” and “just have fun” is so common. (…and, alas, so unhelpful)
It isn’t that “being yourself” is incorrect advice. It is just that “being yourself” is difficult if you lack that awareness and confidence. Building that foundation often requires spending time thinking and practicing. You need to use your intuition, but if your intuitions aren’t working, you might need to go back a step.
I’m summarizing the process of improving social skills to thinking and practice. This article is already fairly long, so I don’t have much space to elaborate. Toastmasters, joining organizations where you need to deal with people, working in sales jobs and volunteer positions are just a few of the outlets where you can think and practice with your social skills.
In truth, both sides are correct. Dancing has steps and a rhythm. Understanding those steps gives you the awareness to move around. However, when the music starts playing, stop thinking about your feet and start feeling the sounds.
I'm a speed-reading, vegetarian, holistic learning, productivity hacking university student.
Yes exactly. Well said Scott!!
I’m with you in that throughout high school and even my first year of college, I rarely went to parties or group functions or anything like that. I just never really was into socializing with people. I’ve even read books and participated in speech class to improve my confidence/social skills. While I’m getting better with practice and more contexts, I still feel that I have much to learn.
The question in all this intuition vs. analysis is really what counts as social “success.” My definition thus far has been to make people want to hang around you or start conversations with you (not necessarily deep ones). An analogy that I use is that of a skier. Professional skiers never have to think about all the little movements they make that contribute to their motion. However someone learning to ski for the first time has to think about all the little movements. Simply put, there is a greater degree of habit ingrained in a professional athlete than in your average, everyday skier.
To achieve this, feedback definitely is useful for some people. I have a friend who is more of a “be yourself” type of person, and yet, going off of my knowledge of the “rules” of social behavior, there are some things he does that would most likely be perceived as “quirks” by most other people that I know. Hence in the past he has had to do a lot of initiating in order to really hang out with people.
Lastly (sorry for the long reply), having good social skills in high school is very overrated. So to anyone (myself included) who wasn’t so good with socializing in high school, I say that this does NOT mean that you are not sociable.
Scott, this article is something that I can relate to very much! After blogging for so long, sharing much about the techniques, sometimes it robs us from the intuitive and spontaneity that a real conversation needs. Practice, practice, practice, that’s really the key.
I learned a lot from the article, thanks!
Robert
Hi Scott, I have a question–
I’m going to be a college freshman in the fall and I am interested in joining a toastmasters. There’s about 4 clubs there, do you suggest joining the school toastmasters club or another toastmaster’s club in the city? Is there any difference in the effect of your audience in the overall eperience of the club?
Li,
Go to all four! Most clubs allow for drop-in visits, so you can try each of them and see which suit your style.
-Scott
I would agree that the metaphor between sports and social skills is fairly accurate.
For people who don’t care to dance, I would suggest playing a sport, especially a team sport which would have some level of social activity.
The real essence of “being yourself” is learning to get out of your own head, and be in the moment. This means stilling your inner voice, stop talking to yourself, stop focusing on yourself and focus on the external world (However, I think “being in the moment” requires a certain basic level of understanding. When you’re trying to learn the basic moves, be it a sport, dancing, or social activity, you are by definition “in your head” while you’re trying to figure everything out)
For anyone trying to achieve that “be yourself state”, highly suggest the book “The Inner Game of Tennis”, which for many people, is not really a tennis book at all.
This article is interesting because you mentioned something which might be important: “You know, I have to give you credit. You’re the first white guy I’ve met with some decent dance moves.”
Coming from a mixed ethnic background has made me very much aware of how different cultures treat social interaction. Dancing in latin culture is almost a given and it is always okay as long as it is a social function (professionally is something altogether different) whereas in anglo culture, dancing seems to have an almost ’sinful’ nature.
On the other hand Anglo culture seems much more permissive however with just walking up and introducing oneself to strangers while in latin culture an intermediary is frequently used.
Your article is a great example of how one culture can borrow from another to learn ‘independence’.
Thank you.
Will,
Dancing isn’t a prerequisite for social skills. I was simply trying to compare the to, not suggesting one necessarily leads to the other. But, I agree, team sports can be great social interactions.
Diego,
I think the context of how you dance has a big impact on the perceptions too. And I haven’t spent much time in Latin America, but many people have told me the opposite (that Latin people are more friendly towards strangers than Americans or Canadians).
-Scott
I noticed u mentioned the seduction community…are u a follower of it?
Scott,
I agree context is absolutely important in both situations.
If I am escorting my cousin and you walk up and ask her to dance and don’t ask me first you have committed a social faux pas.
If you are from another country and are a visitor you will receive an initial leeway for behavior that a resident wouldn’t get, even in the dance situation.
Juggler,
Yes and no. As I mentioned in the article, there are parts of the highly analytical approach to dating that I like. Namely, it’s an approach to self-improvement with relationships that doesn’t fall back on New Agey pseudoscientific junk. In that sense, I really admire it.
But, I’m not a fan of the manipulative “ends justify the means” approach to relationships. Understanding the mechanics of social interactions is important, but there still must be honesty, trust, authenticity and love.
Diego,
True. Foreigners are often given more social lee-way from inexperience.
I’ve got pretty much the same attitude as you towards that kind of ‘Be yourself’ and ‘Just have fun’ advice.
It’s easier said than done to follow this type of advice when you’re unfamiliar with the basics of a skill (that the advice givers are taking for granted that you have).
But when you do know the basics, than yeah, part of doing well is dropping the inhibitions and over analysis and letting your instincts take over…. but if you don’t have a framework of skill and basic understanding for your instincts to draw from, then that path doesn’t tend to work.
One funny thing I’ve noticed is that the social naturals will often give you ‘be yourself’ type advice because they’ve learned social skills as they’ve grown up and never given much conscious thought as to what they’re doing so well.
But even if you had to consciously learn social skills from the ground up, after a while even you will forgot how hard it was in the beginning and resort to wanting to give vague, ‘bigger picture’ type advice like, “Relax and let it all flow.”
I think it’s the same with other skills, if you reach a certain level of mastery, it gets hard to break it down for a beginner, because the basics are so engraved you start to lose touch with all the little things you have to do. Well, you can still break it down, but your tendency will want to be to say something quick like “Be yourself”
Dear Scott,
You made a very insightful comparison. Bravo. Have you written any articles on developing, what one may call, “social skills”?
This is an issue that has been on my mind for quite some time now.
It seems like certain individuals develop a certain attraction that others simply haven’t aquired yet. What makes some personalities more appealing than others?
May I suggest this as a possible topic for future posts?
Thank you for your writing, time and effort.
Best wishes,
Andrew
Andrew,
I do have a few articles on social skills. Do a search for “Mastering Conversation”, it was a popular one a year or so ago. But, yes, I should probably write more.
I’m a believer that you don’t need to change your personality to become charismatic. The idea that there is only one “personality mold” that everyone finds interesting is complete BS.
Chris,
“Be yourself” is a lesson in authenticity. It’s important not to try to fake who you are to get people to like you. However, if you’re summing up human relationships down to two words, you’re inevitably going to miss a lot of advice.
-Scott
Completely agree with you…but it seems like you’ve read your share of books on the subject….has it helped increase your success among the dating world? I’m just curious.
Juggler,
Yes. I read a fair bit from the community after reading The Game. But, then again, I read a lot from everything.
I think it has helped my dating life somewhat, but a lot of the ideas I didn’t fully engage with, so I can’t credit them with as much progress. I feel there is a large unfilled need with the dating self-improvement market. Pickup writers can fill that need partially, but I don’t see it as the only (or best) viewpoint available.
-Scott
[...] Most advice I’ve heard for improving social skills falls into one of a few categories. First, there are trite suggestions like, “be yourself”, which are at best feel-good platitudes and at worst, gross simplifications. Although this advice may be correct, it isn’t practical. [...]
[...] Social Skills And Dancing For Dummies [...]
Thanks for the article, Scott.
[...] interesting people, you get to experience the richness of life, prevent boredom, learn a new skill, other kinds of dancing also improves (not just the one you take), you become more comfortable in your body, you learn that no one else [...]
Still didn’t help with the dancing so it is a failure (SORRY) MC Scratch!
Inspiring article… Scott
People must read your article. Many people need to learn and learn to improve their social skill. Unfortunately, some of them meet social skill snob to get advice and they still do not now how to make their life better.
BTW, I was one of them.
I think they must read your article. Thumb up!
Dancing is also a skill
There’s a lot that goes into dancing and social skills. A lot of people have a hard time socializing and saying the right things at the right time. It’s called thinking on your feet and if you can do that you shouldn’t have a difficult time being sociable. But some people have these fears of communicating outside of their social groups let alone themselves. Interesting article, thanks for sharing!
I am doing a 6-month long senior high school exit project on Salsa Dancing. I really like those “for dummies” books, and I was wondering if anyone knew if there was one called “Salsa Dancing For Dummies.” I need to know stuff like the origins of the dance, different styles, and how it’s changed over the years. Not just ‘how to.’ Thank you for your help!!!!!
WOW. I read the whole post and i was charmed the way you explain the conflict between the two. Moreover, you didn’t pressed any of your ideas. I liked the last para most ‘when the music starts playing, stop thinking about your feet and start feeling the sounds’.
Nice Article Scout!
Well I think that you don’t need to change your personality to become charismatic.
A friend and I decided we’re going to take some ballroom dance lessons. Well, at least one for both of us, and I’d like to go to two or three… Just to get the basics. I suggested it because I want to improve my social skills and feel more comfortable dancing with people. When I went to a club, the music was great, and I was with a close friend, so it was easy, but if the music’s not so easy to dance to and I’m not with a close friend, I’ll need more skills.
Really interesting article Scott. I find the issue of dancing at a party or club really intersting topic because having no set moves means you must use your own creativity, and what makes a ‘good’ dancer is highly subjective.
As someone with Asperger’s Syndrome social interaction has never been easy and I’ve been very much a late developer in this area. I’m starting to really anaylise social situations I’m in these days.